Nigeria (2)

At about 10km we arrived at a dilapidated bridge that was somewhat on the piss. An army of locals soon arrived and helped to replace some of the fallen timbers and enjoy the proceedings. Campbell was up for turning around and finding an alternative route, but after watching the Pinz wobble its fat arse across, he resigned to the fact that the bridge was not collapsing just yet. All five overland vehicles passed over with no problems, some just a little more ashen-faced than others but non as nonchalantly as James in his little Toyota.

As we were not on the right road but still heading in the general right direction (i.e. south), we carried on regardless as the road became worse and worse.

In one small village, the locals had closed the road with a makeshift barrier, not uncommon in Africa, but as we arrived I sensed something was not right. The barrier was next to a bar and a few local chancers came out to greet the convoy, one still holding an empty bottle. As I watched Ian at the head of the convoy pull off sharply I set to follow tightly behind but Mark (between us both), stopped at the barrier. I’m not sure what happened then but as Mark pulled away the bottle holder swung at the side of the truck but though drunken coordination missed, as Mark drove away. The rest of the convoy ploughed through without stopping but soon after, the pursuit was on.

	After leaving Abuja, we chose to take a shortcut south between Aliade and Ogoja, a small white road on the Michelin map, about 100km long which started on good tarmac. However, when we arrived at a local village some 55 kilometres later, 10 people with 5 maps, and 5 GPS’s still managed to miss the all important right turn and started along a rapidly deteriorating dirt road.

	Mr Bottle had jumped on the back of a motorbike and had managed to pass most of the convoy but Ian in his Big Landy did some impressive weaving and finally the rider dropped the bike in the road, I swerved round the mess but saw Mark swerve wildly as Mr Bottle aimed a blow at his Landy. We spent the next half hour thrashing our convoy along a horrendous road like a scene from the Wacky Races.We reached Ikom and the Lisbon Hotel after dark and celebrated an excited day over a cold beer.

On the road to Calabar the next day Linnéa and Campbell kept with us as the others travelled quicker. On the road we saw our first real evidence of Pinzgauer, the tattered remains of an old ambulance body.

In Calabar we checked out the Paradise Hotel mentioned in the Rough Guide, but it was an absolute hole, so we thought we would just chance our luck at the Metropolitan instead (the highest class hotel in Nigeria). Campbell and I left the girls to chat up the manager and just our luck the owner arrived, OK’d the whole deal, and we could park in the car park overnight and use the facilities, including free WIFI in the foyer.

	After attaining our Cameroonian visas in Calabar, Julie was off on a mission to track down some monkey projects. We arrived at the first project called ‘Cercopan’ and Jools was so business-like. Its been a long time for me since I last saw her in her element, and I am so full of pride when I take a back seat and listen to her discussing primate conservation.

I do like to make myself useful in these situations and not to appear like a hapless husband, so I took it on myself to get some photos for the website. It was only five minutes before I demonstrated my true wildlife ineptitude once more.

As I leant in towards the Mangabey's cage for a better shot, I was mugged by three monkeys, two grabbing the camera and one grabbing my balls. I wrestled free, highly surprised by the strength of the buggers and quickly looked round to see if anyone was watching. Luckily no one saw anything and I cleaned off most of the monkey poo before nonchalantly sitting back down dutifully behind my more impressive wife.


			For such important work it seemed sad that the funding is so poor, these projects always seem to rely on a lot of good will and volunteers who do remarkable work with so little. The Cercopan site in Calabar desperately needs relocating to accommodate the increasing numbers of rescued primates, and plans may be afoot to achieve this. Julie explained some of the workings of the ‘Wildlife Direct’ and I made some use of myself talking with the project vet. We organised to meet up with Heidi the research coordinator to follow her to the Field Site the next day.

After Cercopan in Calabar we then visited the Pandrillus project headquarters. Originally founded to save the Drill from extinction, it now also accommodates chimps confiscated in Nigeria.

As Jools was talking shop with the staff and volunteers, I was whisked off by the Spanish vet Ainare, to discuss some interesting cases. I felt fine with the histories and blood works and was surprised at what I had to offer from just straight medicine background but when we actually went out to the enclosure to examine one of the chimps I did feel a little overawed. There is something different about looking into the eyes of these animals that does spin so many questions and feelings in your soul. And the fact that they chuck monkey poo and sawdust all over you (OK, ape poo, a little poetic licence please).

We arrived to meet Heidi the next day to drive to Cercopan field site at ten o’clock but it was three o’clock in the afternoon before she was able to leave and I could feel Campbell and Linnéa getting a little fed up with waiting around, but Jools and I really understood the frustrations and difficulties of project life.

It’s eighteen kilometres from the main road to the field site and for any 4x4 enthusiast a fantastic chance to flex some motor muscle. We were making relative good time up until one of the bridges that we needed to cross had been dismantled in preparation of renewal.

Heidi quite valiantly threw the Toyota at the alternative route but it made little impact and was very quickly bogged down. Campbell relished the opportunity to get a photo of the Landy towing a Toyota out of the shit, but if you look at the photo it does look more like the Toyota is pulling the Landy!

We checked out other options but this seemed to be the only chance, so we set to work making it a better one. As in any African adventure an army of helpers soon arrived out of nowhere and we used the old timbers from the bridge, as well as a good helping of new ones, to make a causeway across the river. OK so it wasn’t ‘Bridge over the River Kwai’ but that’s how I’ll tell it to my grand children one day (Rowley Birkin style).

	It was very important to stop and meet the Rhoko chief of the village on route to the site, and even more important to take a little kai-kai and kola nut as a way of custom. Kola-nut is like amphetamine and kai-kai is like poitin (irish potato whiskey but distilled from palm wine). I quietly managed to spit out the kola-nut, its incredibly bitter and reminded me of the plant stalk chewed in Kenya called mirrah.

	The kai-kai was so similar to poitin in taste that I assumed it was similar potency and had the same effect on the facial features of people who drink it (a face that Rob and DB seem to pull when drinking scotch and trying to extol the finer aspects of single malts).


	As the light faded and we returned to the truck to continue, the entire child population of the village crowded round, but not one asked for pens, sweets or money. They took great excitement from the camera and jumped and waved at every flash. They gathered round you touching, grabbing and clambering, full of innocence and joy. It reminded me of what we have lost in the UK in our fear culture, where even filming a school play is taboo.


			We reached the project in the dark but were finally thwarted in the last hundred meters by a tree which had fallen across the road. The Landy squeezed under with an inch to spare but the Pinz was too tall (Landy 1 – Pinz 0). We parked up by the education centre and although the accommodation on offer was of a great standard we still prefer the truck as the little luxuries are still close at hand and we know it is 100% mozzie-proof.

	We spent the next day watching the Mangabeys in their forest enclosure from the viewing platform and Jools did her conservation thing. Although there is a fence around the enclosure and you have the safari park feeling its is great to know that these monkeys will soon be released into the wild as a troop. Real conservation, in action.

In the evening we all mucked in together with the project staff to make a big veggie stew, drink a couple of cold beers and sample Richard (the project manager’s) ‘special’ kai-kai. Richard showed us photos of the Chief’s kai-kai stills, copper pipes threaded down the middle of bamboo stems full of water.

I managed to buy a bottle from the chief the next day and was assured by Richard that no battery acid was used in the process (c.f. some Kenyan palm whisky).


			After Cercopan, we visited the Pandrillus field site, north of Ikom in Afi Mountain Wildlife Sanctuary. Two friends or ours, Dale and Sasha, had worked for 3 years in the project and now were based in South Africa (at our final destination) so we were keen to see what they had been up to.

	The Pandrillus Drill Ranch is a very impressive run project. It benefits from being on the major overlander route and is well set up for visiting campers. The final 200m stretch is a little tight for the big trucks and provision is made for them elsewhere, but in the Pinz it was OK, and an amazing drive through thick forest with giant trees.

	Once we had pitched camp we were shown the facilities, the nicest ‘long drop’ we have seen on the trip so far, and a great shower surrounded by thick forest. On returning from the loo I thought I’d have a quick sneak preview of the Drills so I popped down the track to one of the forest enclosures. As I reached the fence line an impressive male specimen with colourful balls and backside soon greeted me. As he came nearer he was ‘lip smacking’ which I have learned from my informative wife is a sign of appeasement or greeting. It was only when he stood up and started wanking whilst staring me straight in the eyes did I realise how pleased he was to see me. And when he jizzed, I felt a certain amount of love between us. I felt so cheated when I found out that he did this to anyone and I was not that ‘someone special’.

	In the morning we teamed up with staff member James and visited the Chimp enclosure. It was so impressive to see these huge enclosures with 60m tall trees and thick forest. To watch the chimps climbing the thick tree trunks and swinging in the high branches. And to dodge the sticks and stones thrown in our direction.

Afterwards, we took a walk through the forest to the Canopy Walk Way, which was bigger and more impressive than the one in Kakum, Ghana, and to the forest pools for a cool down and a swim. It was so relaxing and the work so fascinating that we stayed and extra day to see more of the Drills and Jools explained the ‘Wildlife Direct’ and ‘Primate Handshake’ to Dr. Ade.

One evening, as we sat for a chat and opened a bottle of red wine, I mentioned the Pinzgauer to Bruno, a chimp keeper from Zurich, and he got very excited. He had driven the 712 during his time in the Swiss army and his friend at home still worked as a Pinz mechanic. In the morning he came for a look over and took photos to send to his friend back in Switzerland. I took the opportunity to ask a series of questions that had been bugging me, and he lay my mind to rest on a number of motor matters. We left Pandrillus and after a brief stop in Ikom for fuel (25p a litre) crossed the border into Cameroon.